The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
zippers are such a cool invention
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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