Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
