What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
