I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
