I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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