Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
