The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
