I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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