Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
