i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize