So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
