I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
