doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
