I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
