Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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