goodnight i made you a song goodbye
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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