my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
