her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
