he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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