I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
