Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
