So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Rumble strips road head = magical
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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