She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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