I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
