So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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