I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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