Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
