I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
