does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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