Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
