My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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