I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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