A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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