well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize