if you like me you must not know who I am
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
