Already got asked if we're dating
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
