I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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