I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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