Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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