What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
