I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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