I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
