woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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