i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
