well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
