saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
