When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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