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I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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