Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
