I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
