Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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