she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
