she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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