you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
