I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
