I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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