Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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