I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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