I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
